How do you fight with feelings?

by mirunaandra

Because I don’t know. I have surrendered the fight by now. It’s pointless and it takes me nowhere. Of course, I deny feelings on a daily basis – maybe even hourly basis. But let’s face it: every time I end at the same crossroad. And it’s just frustrating. Yes, no, no, yes, yes, maybe, definitely, why not? Can I ever be more specific? Definitely not.

But ok. I get to the point when I realise my feelings are there and they won’t go anywhere. What’s next? Here comes a gloomy cloud above my head probably and some pouring raining – like a wake up call that I am going in the wrong direction. But of course the rain won’t help and I would still be facing moral dilemmas. Next: feelings here, with an ultimate desire to burst out of my body. They want to be heard, to offer them a voice. Should I? No, my inner-self would  say. But what if…? No, again. It’s wrong and it will hurt badly. But then here comes the ultimate question: why do we have all these feelings if we are afraid of let them out?

Now I feel that I am totally and irrevocably taking the wrong path. I am proud of the fact that I am honest person and people say that I could hardly hide any of my feelings. But I am trying to mask them beneath a cover – to suffocate them. But I know it’s wrong. I will end up with a pile of mixed feelings that will ultimately find a small crack in my crystal ball and come to the surface. I have fears and I am scared of showing off because I like to protect myself from…whoever I want to protect myself from. Showing off my deeply true feelings would make me seem weak, like being naked and exposed to the world outside there. I think this is what scares people most of the times. It’s like one small ( or maybe even bigger) part of you won’t belong to you anymore, but to someone else. And from that moment on, you will not be yourself anymore…

I think I am scared of losing what I have right now…that I might say something wrong and it will turn my world up-side down. I am very talented at ruining nice stories. If you want something to be destroyed and crashed to pieces, give me a call. I will take care of that.

But at least I can always pick up the broken parts and build something better in the end. Or maybe not…

 

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