I won’t let go

by mirunaandra

When I was back to Rotterdam weeks ago, I felt stuck in my old routines and unable to find my joy of living again. But sometimes, something happens and Rotterdam doesn’t seem that boring anymore and laughing feels good and real again. It’s about the moment and the person. Too bad that one cannot freeze time, because I wish I could stay in this moment a little longer, deny the reality, live in a bubble, not think that in two weeks everything will seem like a beautiful, distant dream. Is this how life is supposed to be? Just beautiful moments that fade away like dreams in the dawn of the day?

But this time I fell for the moment and for the person. I was shown that I can be myself again, careless, happy, clumsy, shy, annoying, all in one. This part of me, I now realize, has been lying dormant inside myself for a long while. I thought so many times that I was that close for something beautiful, but I never were. Everytime has been just a foolish illusion. I was clinging one moments that put me down and ate me alive. I made so many good mistakes, but also so many wrong choices. But this time, it doesn’t feel like that.

This time, it feels right. But then again, the moment is wrong. Am I ready to say good-bye? Am I ready to cut the connection? This time, I just don’t want to let go. Because letting go, it doesn’t feel right anymore. I can’t find a reason for which I should let go, no matter how hard I try.